did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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