The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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