Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
