Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
