i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
