I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
