i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
