Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
