I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The chlamydia really affected his face.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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