Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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