i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
