And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
