Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
