I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
