forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
