My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
