Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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