rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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