He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
