you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
