My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
