My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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