Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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