Someone shit on the floor
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
