I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
