im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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