oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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