btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I need to align my fucking chakras
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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