I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
