Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
