I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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