I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize