Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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