So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
