The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
