You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
