im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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