why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
