like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
