Apparently you make a good broom.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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