i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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