I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
