after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
