your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
