I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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