Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
