I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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