The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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