Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
