i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
