I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i barfeds in our rink
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
