More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
