glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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