My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
