I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize