Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
