Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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