my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
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